2013 Smiles 2012 Smiles
And: - A 5 year old who understood the power of prayer:
a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother
and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His
dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, "
I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby
brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"
Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.
He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!
Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"
Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"
October 13 - Lepers....I heal lepers !
and ...Francis the comic strip
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with Moses as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and Moses announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,”ť says Moses, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
Moses chuckles, “Everybody knows Jesus saves.”
Several days ago as I left the club, I desperately gave myself a
personal pat down.
I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the club revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife had scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the club, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered.
I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."
joke - since typhoon due to hit Hong Kong tonight:
A typhoon blew across the Pacific Rim. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Smythe on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Smythe, Dr. Smythe, how can you be so calm?" cried Marcus. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Marcus." began the confident Dr. Smythe.
"Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars." stated Dr. Smythe.
"So what?" shouted Marcus.
"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!" smiled Dr. Smythe.
Small boy to lady on beach: Are you a Christian?
Small boy: Do you pray?
Small boy: Do
you keep the commandments?
Small boy: would you please mind my wallet while I go swimming?!
September 1: To go with theme of today's Gospel ...banquets...
couple decided to go for a meal and after some deliberation settled
for their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot
rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around
before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...
wait for it...
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'I've brought you the Peeking duck'
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him!
... but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units
manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in
the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a
malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve,
resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent
This defect has been identified as "Sub-sequential Internal
Non-morality," more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect,
is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to
correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no
additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (BEST Instructions
Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and
problems too numerous to list, and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action
will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be
permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that
Thank you for your attention!
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this
important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by
China, North America and other places, the bottom floor of a building is the
But in Hong Kong, following the British system, the bottom floor is the G/F.
Last Wednesday in the Central area of HK....in the building which houses the Catholic Centre,
a visitor from North America left 6/F and pressed 1/F to go to bottom floor.
At 3/F a local lady got into the lift, and pressed G/F to go to bottom floor.
Visitor: "Does this building have a ground floor?"
Local lady: "I hope so"
was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’
Some women answered today, some said yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their husbands:
Norton woke up Sunday
morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Fr Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Fr. Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to be able to tell?”
(Sent by a kind reader)
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Gynecologist decided to change jobs and be a mechanical engineer.
In first major exam, he received 150%.
you took engine apart perfectly: 50%
you put engine back together again perfectly: 50%
But why 150%?
Professor: first time I've ever seen anyone do this through the muffler
Vet to farmer with very sick bed-ridden prize
Try this medicine for 3 days. If it doesn't work, you'll have to put him down
after hearing above conversation, spends next 3 days encouraging and urging
horse to get up before it's too late.
At end of 3rd day, horse finally stands up and walks around freely, even runs a bit.
Farmer to family and friends: It's a miracle. Let's celebrate. Kill the pig
23 I heard an archbishop tell this joke last week:
It's the year 2056: brain transplants available.....man goes shopping....sees 3 brains for sale.
First brain is priced at $10,000 - brain of an engineer.
Second brain is priced at $15,000 - brain of a doctor.
Third brain is priced at $20,000 - brain of a bishop.
Man asks shop keeper why bishop's brain the most expensive of the three.
Shopkeeper: because like new, rarely used
June 16 - for Father's Day:
Text from boy: "No mon, no fun, your son" ("mon"..."money")
from father: "So sad, too bad, your Dad"
arrived home, over the moon, happy and joking and laughing. Wife asked him
why so happy.
He said "For the first time in my life I heard my father say to me 'I love you'.
Man was 70 years old. Father 94 years old
And this from
Daniel Daring (in
There is a joke about a priest and a taxi driver who happened to die on the same day. Upon approaching the gate of heaven, the priest sees a long queue and is told that he has to fall in line. Then, suddenly someone passes by and is immediately ushered to heaven. The priest gets annoyed and asks: ‘Who was that guy?’ ‘Taxi driver,’ was the response. The priest could not stand that, and immediately ran to the doorkeeper. ‘How dare you keep me here standing, and allowing this sinful taxi driver to enter just like that? Don’t you know that I was serving God through my whole life and I was preaching the Gospel every day?’ The doorkeeper excused himself and went in to call Jesus. Jesus went out, embraced the priest and said: ‘I have something to tell you. When you were preaching, the congregation was always falling asleep. When this taxi driver was driving, all his passengers were praying. Who do you think deserves to enter first?’
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms
June 2, 2013
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11
STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE
OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
2013-05-26 For Trinity Sunday:
The Trinity were planning a holiday. The
Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up
with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.
"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in."
So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything."
"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!"
At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:
"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.
"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!"
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed,
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door
to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said,
"I thought you said there
was nobody available!" (True
2013-05-19 Internet History:
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began
May 12 (for Mother's Day)
A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?" The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
God and Grass
Gardeners will enjoy this conversation between God and
Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all
I see are these green rectangles.
It's the tribes that settled there Lord.. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to
kill them and replace them with grass.
Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies birds and bees only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
Apparently so Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.
Apparently not Lord. As soon as it grows a little they cut it,
sometimes twice a week.
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
No Sir just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.
You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
You better sit down Lord.. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
After paying to have the leaves hauled away.
they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
And where do they get this mulch?
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you
scheduled for us tonight?
'Dumb and Dumber' Lord. It's a story about....
Never mind I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
May 5 God's wife
eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years
ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe
store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and
shivering with cold. A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're
in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me
a pair of shoes' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand,
went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for
the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.
He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the
back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little
feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned
with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of
shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She
patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable
now.' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and
looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her . . ..
'Are you God's wife?'
April 28 Abraham's computer
Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He
was showing it to Isaac one day.
"Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."
A: A brave cat
B: - one of many variations of this joke:
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd
looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing
flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the honest shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, Why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the savvy shepherd, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.......now give me back my dog."
April 14 - Impending wardrobe changes at the Vatican
April 7 - Gospel about "Doubting Thomas"
And a joke from Pray Tell (c.f. Pray Tell's April 1 joke)
March 31 - Easter Sunday
A: As the funeral went through town, someone forgot to close the back door of the hearse. Before long the precious cargo had fallen out and went rolling down the street. It rolled into a chemist shop and the corpse sat up and asked: "Have you got anything to stop this coffin?"
man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey
had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only
way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..." ..."Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began
to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
March 24 A: Palm Sunday
It was Palm Sunday but because of
a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several pieces of palm.
Johnny asked them what they were for.
"People waved them as Jesus walked by," his father told him.
"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."
And B: this one about a "Water closet" !
Pope Francis pays his hotel bill (see ABC report) and Pope Francis phones Jesuit leader
"Chicken & Duck"
conversation at prison:
Last week I was talking to an inmate who is a refugee in HK. He's in detention for working without a permit in HK.
He's been here five years and is very frustrated by life.
So frustrated that he did something wrong at the detention centre and was put in isolation for a few days.
I asked him "Did the guards use pepper-spray on you?". "Oh yes, father", he replied: "I pray every day"
March 3 - Five offerings:
From Lent pastoral letter (2013) of a bishop who shall
"Refrain from some pleasures and love others"
B: "Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep?" - Anywhere it wants to.
C: English? The spokesman said that no decision had yet been made on the Queen's trip to Rome scheduled for next Wednesday and Thursday, when she is due to meet Italy's President Giorgio Napolitano alongside her husband Prince Philip. (in this news report) c.f. ABC report (uses "with" instead of "alongside")
D: Conclave World Cup Draw
For today's Gospel:
Mary and Sam were visiting Tom and Ann. Over a cup of tea, as they were talking about gardens, Tom spoke of his garden needing more manure. After the cup of tea, Tom took Sam outside the house to check the garden. When they were gone, Mary said to Ann: Don't you think you should get him to say "fertilizer" rather than "manure"?
Ann replied: Give me a break. It took me twenty years to get him to say "manure"
February 24: US Jesuit Fr James Martin gives 12 reasons why he should be pope
February 17 - 3 recent jokes:
A: There are several thousand refugees in Hong Kong from the Sub-Continent. Last Friday at a prison I asked a man from Pakistan "Are you a refugee?" He answered "No, I'm a Muslim" (to balance this - see my help last Thursday for a Muslim inmate)
B: Last Friday I
also spent some time editing, or trying to edit, a Spanish translation (for
prisoners) of the booklet Dr Jesus.
I deleted many upside down question marks and exclamation marks which had crept into the text...maybe because my computer doesn't read Spanish. Only to find that in Spanish, a question mark and an exclamation mark go at the beginning, as well as at the end, !?of a sentence!? (..the ones at the beginning go upside down)
C: Grumpy bishop was making life difficult for parish priest. So when he said Mass, instead of saying "Lord, remember Benedict our pope, James our bishop" etc, he started saying "Lord, remember Benedict our pope, your unworthy servant James...". Bishop heard about this and phoned priest. "What do mean by saying 'your unworthy servant'?". Priest replied "well that's the same as you pray every day" (..."for me, your unworthy servant.."). Bishop: "But you mean it"
February 10 - a snake joke for the new Lunar New Year of the Snake ( a ten out of ten joke!)
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes,
grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.
February 3 - to go with "lips" theme in today's readings
January 27: To go with theme of today's readings re love of Bible
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
Milton, the first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
Marvin, the second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
Michael, the third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
Melvin, the fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture; just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!"
January 20: Today, two smiles:
A: (re today's Gospel, water changed to wine):
Everyone knows what happened at the wedding at
Cana. Jesus turned water to wine.
Well the day after, Joseph had a hangover from drinking too much of the abundant wine.
He calls to Mary...
"Mary do me a favor, please bring me a cup of water, and whatever you do, don't let the boy near it!"
Man takes dying dog to vet. Vet unable to save
dog. Dog dies.
Distraught man keeps asking vet to make sure dog is dead.
Vet assures man dog is dead.
Man keeps asking.
So vet gets a Labrador from another room.
Labrador sniffs around dead dog. No response.
Man still keeps asking.
So vet gets a cat from other room.
Cat goes around dog sniffing. No response.
Vet says game definitely over...and you owe me $200.
Man says 200 is too expensive.
Vet replies "Your dog had a lab test and a cat scan"
Jan 13: for the Feast of the Baptism of Jesus:
Please enjoy! A Bush Christening, by A. B. "Banjo" Paterson: Words Audio
January 6: Epiphany - How many kings in today's Gospel story? ...3? 4? 5?
and this one sent by a kind reader:
A woman at work received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do
She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said :
"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground,
possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said : "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up
.....A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought : "This is what you sent to help me?"
However , she was desperate. She was also very thankful !
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said :
"Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and
I 've locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said: "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said :
"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man. "
The man replied : "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday,
I was in prison for car theft. "
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud :
"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional !!"